Research clearly shows that when a family is broken by the spouses’ break-up, there are numerous issues that become conflicted. These include everything from the monetary to custody concerns. These matters must be faced and resolved by the spouses in ways that maintain the children’s safety, security, and stability. Extra effort must be taken by the two parents to ensure that the children do not get ‘caught in the middle’. Here are several suggestions that parents who co-parent should prayerfully consider.
Reorganize Parenting Duties
When spouses break up and reorganize the family structure, there is a need to reorganize the relationship you will have with your former partner. Face the fact that you may no longer be a couple but you are still both parents to the same children. This reality means that you will still need to communicate with the other parent and share the parenting duties. Here are a number of suggestions to assist you in committing to a positive parenting relationship despite the separation.
- Never criticize or demean the other parent in front of your children. Be respectful and civil in all your comments and actions.
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Honor the relationship between your children and your former parent. Do not undermine the bond that they have.
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Determine and establish the best way to communicate with your former spouse about parenting duties (phone conversations, emails, face-to-face meetings, thru a mediator). Once you have an agreement on the main mode of communication, honor it.
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Set up a schedule for shared parenting responsibilities to include the following: money, medical care, religious practices, holidays, discipline, school achievement, and recreation.
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Never engage in conflicting conversations when you are transferring your children. Rather, conduct those conversations at another time.
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Never expect or prompt your children to be messengers, confidants or detectives regarding information about the other parent.
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If you cannot find civil ways to deal with each other, it is recommended that you attend a class on co-parenting at a family resource center or a county extension office.
Establish safety, security and stability when the children are in your care.
When you have the children with you, do all you can to be an
authoritative parent. In doing so, your children will be able to find joy and comfort in your home. Try these ideas to ensure the best for your children.
- Talk with each child often. Establish times when each child can talk just with you.
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Practice reflective listening. When your child shares information with you about life, relationships, and school activities, learn to restate what you just heard. If your child displays emotion when talking, try to name the emotion you are seeing (‘that must be frustrating’, ‘that made you happy’, ‘how sad you must feel’). Naming the emotion helps the child move forward, develop solutions to any problems and strengthens the child/parent bond.
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Develop a set schedule for your children so that they know what to expect when they are in your care. Where possible, have your schedule match that of the other parent.
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Reassure your child that the break-up was not their fault.
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Encourage your children to maintain the social relationships they had before the break-up.
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Spend time playing and having fun.
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Be patient with your child. This reorganization is very difficult for them as well.
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End every day in prayer with and for your children and your family.
When parents divorce and separate, it is usual and customary for the courts to schedule joint custody of the children. When this happens, the children find themselves traveling between the homes of both parents. As can be expected, children in this situation are often confused, fearful, resentful and/or angry. Unfortunately, these feelings are common.
The manner in which divorced or separated parents act will determine the well-being of their children. The actions of the adults directly impact the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual maturity of their offspring. Truly, this is one time when a parent’s ability to ‘will the good of the other’ makes a monumental difference in how lives will turnout.
