Much has been written about successful single parenting and what skills promote a healthy and stable home. There are many keys to fruitful single parenting. Most of the strategies mirror those used by any parent. The caveat is that single parents must put forth more effort because they are doing everything without spousal support.
It must be stated that children from single parent homes can and do become reliable, reverent and happy adults. Children coming from a one parent household grow up to have faithful vocations, successful careers and respectful relationships when the individual who raised them does all he or she can to joyfully incorporate the following into family life.
The most important gift a child gets from a parent is love. Leave no doubt in your children’s mind that they are loved. This sounds easy, but in reality it is tough. Each child has a unique idea of what it means to be loved. Some children feel love from simple parental actions while others are more demanding.
A great resource for expressing love to a child in a way that he will feel is the book Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman. This book explains that a child will feel loved in one of five ways; through physical affection, through gift giving, through acts of service, through words of affirmation or through shared time. It is amazing to recognize that God uniquely wired each child to feel most loved in only one of these five ways. When a parent is able to pinpoint which way says “I love you” better than any other, the child will never doubt the presence of love.
The easiest way to determine a child’s primary ‘love language’ is to watch how the child shows love. If your child routinely comes up to you and wants to sit on your lap or give you a hug or kiss, it is likely that your child wants physical affection in return. If your child has a habit of bringing you handmade cards or little gifts, your child may feel most loved when you give a gift. If your child is eager to help you with chores or please you by following directions, acts of service may speak love the loudest. If your child consistently gives you compliments, words of affirmation may be the primary love language. Finally, if you have a child who just wants to be with you all the time, shared time may be the way to speak love into his heart.
Knowing your child’s primary love language is vital to single parenting because you are the most significant individual in his life. A second person isn’t constantly available to affirm what you miss. Therefore, spend time to figure this out. It will improve your parent/child relationship, decrease tension and increase your family’s joy.
Family life is full of activity; Church, work, school, recreation, rest and relaxation… The best way to manage moving from one activity to the next without undue stress is to establish regular routines. Organization is the key element to successful scheduling. Here are three tips to help you organize your home.
A healthy and happy family has borders and boundaries. This begins by setting clear, specific expectations for behavior. When setting your expectations remember these key points.
Consider creating rituals of play and prayer. A ritual is different from a routine in that it has emotional significance. A routine is intentional and repeated over and over again but it usually doesn’t create an emotional bond. A ritual, on the other hand, is intentional, repeated and creates a sense of attachment. Rituals to consider include nightly meals (turn off that TV or stash the I Pods so that everyone can talk about their day), game nights, movie nights (remember the popcorn!) evening rosaries, morning prayers before heading out of the house…
As important as it is to set up an organized home that is high in love and expectations, it is just as vital to create a network of individuals who are willing to step in and help you. This network may be your immediate family and close friends. But, it may also include neighbors, parish members or persons from various family friendly groups like 4-H, scouts, family resource councils, etc. Make a list of those who you can call for various personal or family needs.
The items above may strain you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. That is why it is important to remember that you will need time to reflect and regroup. Many single parents find it helpful to plan anywhere from 15 to 60 minutes each day to be in quiet relationship with God. This might mean setting an alarm 15 minutes earlier so that you can start your day slowly in prayer or it might mean that you take a walk over your lunch break and listen to Him. It might mean spending time in Eucharistic Adoration at your parish or reading a daily devotional before going to sleep. The main idea is to carve out daily time to be quiet and reflective in His presence.
When the strains of single parenting begin to mount and try your patience, seek help from rather than engage in destructive behaviors. Every parent, whether single or married, has a tipping point. Figure out what leads you to the edge of your abilities and then share that with a trusted individual. When your parenting journey begins to move towards your ‘edge’, seek the counsel of your trusted individual. Do not wait until you are at the edge. Signal for assistance in advance of the meltdown.
(The Catholic Church recognizes) the courage and determination of families with one parent raising the children. Somehow you fulfill your call to create a good home, care for your children, hold down a job, and undertake responsibilities in the neighborhood and church. You reflect the power of faith, the strength of love, and the certainty that God does not abandon us when circumstances leave you alone in parenting. (Follow the Way of Love USCCB. September, 1993)
Single parenting happens for a variety of reasons. One might lose a spouse because of death or divorce. One might watch a spouse leave on an extended military deployment. Or one might have a child without ever marrying. The way a person arrives at the door of single parenthood isn’t as important as realizing that children under the care of a single parent have the same need for love and security as so those raised in a traditional home with two parents.
